If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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