i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
