With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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