my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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