My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
