I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
