you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize