farters have to be the big spoon...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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