why didn't you poke me back
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
