Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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