Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
