bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just want to make out with him forever
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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