im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
is that a dick in a sweater?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
