saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
