i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Bang-toberfest begins!!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
