I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I am midnight drunk by noon
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
