matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
