im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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