Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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