If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Houston, we have a blender
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
