You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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