remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
