I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
