I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I stole a fireplace last night.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
