You can't special order awesome
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
