can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
