How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You have to summon your inner elephant
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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