It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My nipple is on Facebook.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize