i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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