I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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