i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
