season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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