there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
