It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
