The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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