considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
