I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
