Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
