I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Drunk is not a location!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
