actually, I'm a sock model
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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