I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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