Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
