There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
