Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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