Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
