I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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