Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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