I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My day in three words: secret purse cake
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
