Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
