apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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