Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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