a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
