She is in my trunk
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Randomize
