is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
