8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
