i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My life is pants optional.
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