Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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