i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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