I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
