we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
